It’s True: Couples Therapy Doesn’t Work July 3, 2008
Posted by janey in : success in relationships , comments closedYou never suspected it would happen to you. But now here you are today… faced with the most critical decision of your life.
No matter what circumstances led to the current condition of your marriage, all that doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters now is that you need to find a solution to your marriage problems. You desperately want to keep your family together, but the trouble is - you want a proven marriage saving solution that works.
Most people think that when marriage takes a turn for the worst; the only option is couples counseling.
But when you turn to marriage counseling, the focus is on behavior, action and doing. And in fact, it’s very possible that you could DO all the tips and techniquesoffered to you by your marriage counselor, yet still end up unhappy and frustrated with each other.
Why?
Pastor and international marriage expert, Mark Gungor’s has one of the best answers I’ve seen. He makes a wonderful point that we just don’t hear enough.
Here’s what he said:
“If your view of marriage is flawed, all the energy and strategy you are using (such as our marriage will be better if we just do this or change that) will end in failure…you must work on your marriage BECAUSE you believe it IS valuable, not because you are trying to make it valuable.”
Did you know that most marriage counselors and couples counselors do not believe your marriage IS valuable? Many of them have already divorced, so why would they see your marriage as any more valuable than their own marriage?
They believe marriage is simply expendable and that the kids will be ok. They hold the belief that not all couples are meant to be together which is why they are so quick to give up on your marriage.
Now I know I’m making a generalization about ALL marriage counselors and I do acknowledge that there are some “renegade” marriage counselors who do not follow these beliefs. But based on the countless “horror stories” from the couples I’ve worked with over the years, these counselors are few and far between.
What kind of “horror stories” you ask? Good question.
I know this may be difficult to believe, but many of the couples I’ve worked with over the years who have attended couples counseling shared with me that their marriage counselor actually advised them to DIVORCE!
These people attended marriage counseling because they wanted to save their marriage, not hear from an “expert” that their marriage is hopeless!
In fact, there have been statistics recently that stated 80% of marriages that end up in divorce could have been saved if the couple had only gotten the proper help they needed.
And as time goes on…while our divorce rate continues to remain at 50%, the truth about marriage counseling is increasingly gaining more exposure with new alternatives to marriage counseling popping up all over the net.
Now the REAL question you must ask yourself is this…
If the two of you don’t believe your marriage IS valuable, and worth doing every positive thing you can do to make it healthy again (marriage counseling not in the list), then what hope can you have for your marriage?
The reason couples end up in the offices of counselors and therapists is because they want somebody to help them do what they’re not able to do… believe their marriage IS valuable.
If you speak with virtually any couple who has been to a marriage counselor and you’ll find them in agreement.
But the sad truth is that most marriage counselors just don’t believe marriage itself IS valuable.
What all this boils down to is this:What all this means is this:
Marriage Counselors need to take a good look at their incredibly high failure rate and realize they’re doing more harm than good.
Ultimately, the real reason for marriage counselors’ failure to save marriages may have something to do with their initial schooling and education.
Most people don’t know this, but marriage counseling as taught in universities isn’t marriage counseling at all. It’s therapy for individuals.
80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples, (Dr. William J. Doherty, Minneapolis MN)
As a result, they would rather work with each person individually, instead of as a couple.
So my advice to you is…
If you’re considering seeing a marriage counselor, take this as your alternate view. If your marriage problems persist, you’re far better off with a couples retreat or a marriage coach than a marriage counselor.
In fact, do a quick search in Google for “alternative to marriage counseling”. What you’ll find is a variety of solutions that don’t involve marriage counseling.
One of them is my own website that offers a solution called Marriage 101 which is a 100% positive marriage counseling alternative you can participate in from the privacy of your own home.
Very often, these solutions are less expensive, less invasive and not at all emotionally draining – very much unlike what you might find in traditional marriage counseling.
Get the full story on couples counseling and why it’s not at all what it’s cracked up to be. For a solution-oriented alternative to marriage counseling, visit Larry Bilotta’s website at FulfilledCouple.com to get your marriage back on track and put an end to your marriage problems.
Tips For Coping With Difficult People May 3, 2008
Posted by janey in : success in relationships , comments closedDealing with difficult people can make you very irritated and even drive you crazy!
Difficult people actually care very little about you. The reality is you are a blip on their radar screen. You can spend a lot of energy trying to change difficult people but the fact is you don’t have that kind of power.
Another important fact to remember is that difficult people are unlikely to change on their own. This can feel very depressing, however, let’s look at the positive. As difficult people tend not to change, you are able to predict their behaviour. So rather than having high expectations of difficult people and spending a lot of energy and becoming frustrated with them, try focusing your energy on preparing for encounters with them.
As you have probably realized by this time, dealing with difficult people is inevitable. Devise a strategy ahead of time. When dealing with a difficult person the worst thing you can do is to bottle up your irritation, anger, annoyance or feelings of hurt. Instead express your feelings. If someone offends you, say how you feel. Try asking questions to clarify the intention of that difficult person.
When dealing with difficult people invite them to express their feelings. Avoid the temptation to coach or limit an answer by offering multiple choices.
When you are dealing with a difficult person, stay calm. If you can stay calm and polite you have a better chance of not escalating a difficult situation into an impossible one. It also gives you the opportunity to withdraw from the conversation if the difficult person’s behaviour accelerates from irritating to unbearable. You can postpone the interaction by saying something like, “Joe, I’m speaking calmly and courteously to you and I need the same in return. Let’s talk about this later when you’ve have a chance to calm down.”
When coping with difficult people it’s important to keep your perspective. Difficult people are typically only a small percentage of the people that you know. Don’t put all your focus and energy on this minority. Instead focus on your friends and family. Concentrate on co-workers who are helpful and on clients that you enjoy working with.
